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Big Man Tabasco Sauce

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Bucket Fever [25 Jan 2008|11:18am]
Recently my friend Dan told me he wanted to edit a trailer of "The Bucket List" and change around the story a bit. I wasn't optimistic it could be done, but he didn't take "wasn't optimistic it could be done" for an answer. So we got together and made this:

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The Gardening [08 Sep 2006|09:55am]
I recently saw the trailer for Zach Braff's new film and was left shocked in my seat. The source of my surprise was that the title of the film was not "Garden State 2: The College Years," but instead the near-meaningless "The Last Kiss." The credits also informed me that it was penned by the same scribe that gave us "Crash," aka the most ham-handed film ever inspired by liberal, white guilt, and "Million Dollar Baby."

At first I thought that Braff must have collaborated on the script, but he has no credit listed. Which is odd, considering the film follows Zach Braff's 10 Easy Tips for Writing Films About Twenty-Somethings® to the letter.

Check it out:

1. The film's central character should be an emotionally stunted, disaffected, white man in his 20s, who ponders THE BIG QUESTIONS in life, but doesn't know where he stands.





2. Major events that inspire the pondering of life, such as a wedding or funeral, are central to the plot.





3. The perfect catalyst for change should come in the form of a small, perky, impossibly cute, dark-haired Jewess, who, for some inexplicable reason, is deeply attracted to the protagonist, despite the fact that his personality is about as exciting as a soggy peanut butter sandwich.





4. The women are always a fount of pseudo new age advice, and feel free to dispense it at will. Some helpful advice could be, "That's life. If nothing else, it's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have." Or "The world is moving so fast now that we start freaking out way before our parents did, because we don't stop to breathe anymore."




5-10Collapse )
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[28 Aug 2006|11:54am]






Maybe this is a leading question, but if you had to make a guess, would you think these hats were owned by a Mexican vato or my 61-year-old father?
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[10 Aug 2006|02:51pm]
For the most part my experiences with finding a living situation via craigslist.org have been a positive. About a week in to almost every stay, one, or sometimes all, of my roommates will offer me the chance to smoke marijuana like a cigarette. In fact at two of the places they were even growing it. While I enjoy imbibing every once in awhile (it leads me to come to conclusions like "Jason Biggs should have a warning on himself that says 'dude sucks'"), I rarely spend any money on the stuff, and find it most enjoyable in small doses while watching really bad movies. Anyway, if they weren't offering to smoke me out, we were normally watching TV together or carrying on some form of peaceful coexistence.

My most recent craigslist roommates provided no pot, nor any sort of peer bonding. Ali's gift giving manifested itself in a different way. He left cigarette butts in the shower:



This particular butt stayed parked in its perch for close to three weeks, and after a heavy soaking gave off an aromatic mixture of tobacco, swarthy Pakistani, and axe body spray.

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[10 Jul 2006|01:13pm]
To quote T-Boz, "Yes, it's me again. I'm back."

After a serious hiatus, I've decided to come back to lj. To let you know about my other blog. Actually I wanted to put up a link to my recent Dane Cook entry, which I spent something like 12 hours putting together in a crazed fit last night. I think it's one of the best things I've written in awhile. But I do plan on making more regular posts on here. I'd like to start writing more personal stories like I used to, including the the tale of how my 61-year-old father ended up with front row seats to see Velvet Revolver at The Mid-State Fair. So look for that in the near future.

So what's been going down?

I moved to Long Beach, and am still trying to wrap my head around this city. I've never considered myself much of a beach person, and to live in a town focused on the shoreline is taking some getting used to. I've also started wearing shorts, and if you know me, then you know that's a big step.

I joined the internet radio station on campus and will be doing a show every Tuesday from 1-3 pm for the rest of the month. You can listen here.

Anyway, keep up the good work everyone, and I'll see you around.
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[25 Apr 2006|10:11am]
Last week I posted a video entitled "Average Homeboy" that begins with a dude saying that "once you hear my audio demo, you'll just be blazed!" Myself and others thought that he was using the word "blazed" to sound cool. It turns out there was a very distinct reason for this word choice. The dude's rapping name is "Blazin' Hazen." He even has a website where he claims "When you BLAZE like I do, you burn like an inferno." I'm not quite sure what that means, but to quote Mayor Goldie Wilson, "Like the sound of that!"



I found another video on youtube, a bit more polished, and thankfully the butt shots are of big-haired ladies, and not Blazin. Click to watch.
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[21 Apr 2006|11:34am]
Average Homeboy
This totally blew my mind. I don't really know what else to say about it.
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[21 Apr 2006|10:51am]
Youtube roundup:

Chinese Baby Girl Atlantis
This is one of the most messed up, amazing cartoons ever. This was on last week's episode of Wonder Showzen, which I'll say again is a show everyone should be watching.

Norton Furniture 1
There's this super weird guy in Cleveland named Marc Brown who owns a furniture store and makes his own commercials that show on late night TV. The commercials are so odd that he's developed a cult-like following and is currently in the process of shooting a TV pilot to showcase his own brand of weirdness.

Norton Furniture commercial 2

Patton Oswalt as Marc Brown of Norton's Furniture
This is from last night's Comedians of Comedy stop in Marc Brown's hometown, Cleveland, Ohio.
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[14 Apr 2006|11:28am]
Never in my wildest fantasies would I think to combine Baby Britain by Elliott Smith and Pirates of the Carribean, but I think this video totally works.
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[11 Apr 2006|04:13pm]
Sometimes I wish porn junkmail was the result of someone with a tenuous grasp of english, not an automated system. It would make the email I just received much more brilliant.

from: Leonard Gilbert
subject: fuucking ruussian refined Lady
text: Young adorable Bitches, Porrn tasteful Viideo!

I like to imagine a young stoner gazing at a naked woman of the iron curtain and saying to his bro, "Fuucking Ruussian refined Lady!" and then they high-five. Why must reality let me down?
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[11 Apr 2006|03:24pm]
I went to APE this weekend thanks to Jeff, and came across a zine called icecreamlandia. I flipped through it, laughed, and decided to buy a copy. I later read some more and really liked it and went back and bought all their zines. It's done by a couple and I quite enjoy their sense of humor. Here are some examples of their work:





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[06 Apr 2006|10:51am]
Stolen from defamer:



I had a good laugh at this after looking at all the other photos. I mean, c'mon. There's not much more I can say.
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[30 Mar 2006|09:53am]
My new favorite photo:



And did you know that Rummy, like, used to look just like George Clooney when he was younger?

For realsCollapse )
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[28 Mar 2006|11:18am]
You will be missed. More info here. The cancellation of this and Stella, while shows like Two and a Half Men and The War at Home thrive, is just further proof that most people are idiots.

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[13 Feb 2006|09:53am]
Season finale of Arrested DevelopmentCollapse )
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Desperate Housewife or Joker Cosmetics model? [10 Feb 2006|09:57am]
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[06 Feb 2006|11:34am]
Yout want to know why I love Werner Herzog? Here are 3 reasons:

1. Grizzly Man

2. Herzog Shot During Interview

By WENN
Friday, February 03, 2006

HOLLYWOOD - German director Werner Herzog was shot by a crazed fan during a recent interview with the BBC.
The 63-year-old was chatting with movie journalist Mark Kermode about his documentary Grizzly Man, when a sniper opened fire with an air rifle.

Kermode explains, "I thought a firecracker had gone off.

"Herzog, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, said, 'Oh, someone is shooting at us. We must go.'

"He had a bruise the size of a snooker ball, with a hole in. He just carried on with the interview while bleeding quietly in his boxer shorts."

An unrepentant Herzog insisted, "It was not a significant bullet. I am not afraid."

3. Joaquin Phoenix Pulled from Car Wreck by Director Werner Herzog
By Chris Lee, Special to the Times

Joaquin Phoenix has plenty of reason to celebrate this week, and not just because he scored a best actor Oscar nomination for "Walk the Line."

Last Thursday, the 31-year-old actor overturned his car on a winding road in Laurel Canyon. And in an only-in-Hollywood twist, German director Werner Herzog was one of the first responders who helped Phoenix out of the wreck.

According to police, the accident occurred about 3 p.m. when Phoenix's brakes gave out. The actor said he was forced to swerve into the mountainside to avoid hitting another car, and the driver's side air bag deployed.

Phoenix said he was thrown into the passenger seat when his vehicle rolled onto its roof. In the aftermath, the actor said he felt "a bit confused."

"I remember this knocking on the passenger window," said Phoenix. "There was this German voice saying, 'Just relax.' There's the air bag, I can't see and I'm saying, 'I'm fine. I am relaxed.'

"Finally, I rolled down the window and this head pops inside. And he said, 'No, you're not.' And suddenly I said to myself, 'That's Werner Herzog!' There's something so calming and beautiful about Werner Herzog's voice. I felt completely fine and safe. I climbed out."

Herzog, 63, the temperamental auteur responsible for such strange but fascinating films as "Fitzcarraldo" and "Aguirre, the Wrath of God" — who won best documentary for 2005's "Grizzly Man" at the Directors Guild Awards on Jan. 28 — has a home near the accident scene.

A publicist for Lionsgate, "Grizzly Man's" DVD distributor, confirmed that Herzog had attended to Phoenix after the accident. The director was unavailable for comment.

"I got out of the car and I said, 'Thank you,' " Phoenix said. "And he was gone."
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[01 Feb 2006|03:20pm]
askarepublican.com

Just check it out. I saw this guy at sketchfest a couple weeks ago and he's a genius.
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[30 Jan 2006|12:30pm]


Click on James Lipton's smiling, Budweiser hat wearing mug to hear him recite the lyrics to Kevin Federline's "PopoZao" song. Whoever had the idea to put these two together was a genius.
3 comments|post comment

[27 Jan 2006|12:33pm]
To lighten the mood, there's going to be a Borat movie.



And I just found out that Borat is going to play the lead in a Curly Oxide movie, written by Tina Fey. Fucking rock! If you don't remember, This American Life had a great show about a Hasidic Jew who had never heard pop music or seen MTV, then became the lead singer of a band, and within a year was incredibly popular. If you haven't heard that episode yet, do yourself a favor and give it a go.

In more Borat news, I found this awesome article about him crashing a wedding of Pamela Anderson's dogs.

Pamela Anderson's two canine companions were about to pledge their undying devotion on a sunny Malibu beach last Wednesday, August 17, when a strange sea-craft was sighted just offshore. Chihuahua Luca, golden retriever Star, and gathered friends and loved ones eyed the vessel with suspicion until Sacha Baron Cohen emerged from the surf astride an inflatable turtle, calling to mind the frothy romance of Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus."

Cohen, in character as Kazakhstani TV reporter Borat, wore shorts with a leather jacket and cap and brandished a white keytar. Once ashore, the oft-reviled comedian sprinted toward Anderson and felled her with a perfectly executed rugby tackle, causing her to drop the beloved Luca. The Stacked actress struggled to her feet and brushed sand off of her long white gown as her loyal bodyguards seized the interloper, dragged him back to the shore, and dunked him in the hungry waves. The wedding party quickly composed itself, and the ceremony continued without further incident.
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